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Woohoo More Hobbits!

There is another trailer out for the first of Peter Jackson’s (are you fucking kidding, you greedy bastard) three Hobbit films.  And while I may be grumpy that it will only be a third of the story, I am still incredibly excited.  Who wouldn’t be? Hobbits and dwarves and elves, oh my!

“If Baggins loses, we eats it whole.”

“Fair enough.”

What Is This I Don’t Even

I…

I don’t, I can’t, you know, just watch it and then come back.

Where do we even start counting the wrong?  How can there be this much wrong in less than twelve minutes?  Thrack described this as the telephone game version of the Hobbit translated into Russian and back again.  That sounds about right to me.

  1. “…before men came to power and ruined magic forever.”
  2. Dale, everything about Dale is just wrong
  3. Slag the Terrible, the agent of evil on Earth? What happened to Smaug?
  4. General Torin Oakenshield?  Also, he’s clearly not a dwarf.
  5. Invented princess of Dale, really?
  6. Gandalf’s Tower?
  7. Prophecy about destruction and “the time of the hobbit?’
  8. Bilbo’s great-great-great-grandhobbit was a dragonslayer?
  9. Where are all the dwarfs?
  10. That’s not what the world looks like
  11. The “mines of dale” is not what the Lonely Mountain was.  And where are the dwarfs?
  12. “dragonslayer” is very different from “burglar” just sayin’
  13. Again with the princess shit?
  14. Trolls are replaced with Groans that turn to wood, not stone
  15. Rivendell?  Also, apparently there are no elves in the world
  16. “grablins” is an interesting substitution, not that we see any
  17. Gandalf is “still seeking” the one ring of power?
  18. “…magically the one ring of power had found its true bearer, Bilbo Baggins the hobbit.”
  19. Why isn’t Bilbo invisible?
  20. Um, goblins? Wargs? Eagles? Beorn?
  21. Mirkwood Forest is an obstacle that doesn’t slow them in the slightest?
  22. Elves?  Again, I guess not.
  23. So no Lake Town, either?
  24. Oh, so that’s why they changed the shape of the Arkenstone.  To make it an arrowhead for Bilbo Dragonslayer.  ARGH.
  25. “…his growing love for the Princess Meeka?”
  26. Bilbo and Meeka reigned over rebuilt Dale until they retired back to the Shire?  Seriously?

Just wow.

It turns out that this monstrosity was made by a single dude in a matter of weeks to preserve rights to The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, but I still can’t understand how this could have happened.  The hobbit is really not that complicated, so how do you get it this wrong?

What Has It Got In Its Pocketses?

I suppose I’ve not talked about my lasting love for J.R.R. Tolkien’s books before on this blog and that seems terribly neglectful of me.  My first copy of LOTR trilogy is “well loved” in a very Velveteen Rabbit sense, and though I’ve replaced it with a softcover and a beautiful leather version, I still can’t bear to get rid of the originals, even though their covers have fallen off, spines have been taped and the front pages feel almost fabric-y.

I had some complaints about the LOTR trilogy adaptation as the films went on, but I’ve mostly been able to reconcile them as almost different retellings.

Which leads us to FUCK YES, it’s The Hobbit.

I’m not sure how many times I’ve rewatched this trailer; I’m terribly excited and I like that they seem to be doing it as a frame story.

Of course, they’re already making me nervous; why the hell is Galadriel in the trailer?  I’m also not wild about how the makeup on Dori, Nori and Ori look; plus does Thorin look like only half-dwarf to anyone else?  But I choose to be optimistic.

Can you promise that I will come back?

No.  And if you do, you will not be the same.

HOBBITS! HOBBITS! HOBBITS!