What Is This I Don’t Even

I…

I don’t, I can’t, you know, just watch it and then come back.

Where do we even start counting the wrong?  How can there be this much wrong in less than twelve minutes?  Thrack described this as the telephone game version of the Hobbit translated into Russian and back again.  That sounds about right to me.

  1. “…before men came to power and ruined magic forever.”
  2. Dale, everything about Dale is just wrong
  3. Slag the Terrible, the agent of evil on Earth? What happened to Smaug?
  4. General Torin Oakenshield?  Also, he’s clearly not a dwarf.
  5. Invented princess of Dale, really?
  6. Gandalf’s Tower?
  7. Prophecy about destruction and “the time of the hobbit?’
  8. Bilbo’s great-great-great-grandhobbit was a dragonslayer?
  9. Where are all the dwarfs?
  10. That’s not what the world looks like
  11. The “mines of dale” is not what the Lonely Mountain was.  And where are the dwarfs?
  12. “dragonslayer” is very different from “burglar” just sayin’
  13. Again with the princess shit?
  14. Trolls are replaced with Groans that turn to wood, not stone
  15. Rivendell?  Also, apparently there are no elves in the world
  16. “grablins” is an interesting substitution, not that we see any
  17. Gandalf is “still seeking” the one ring of power?
  18. “…magically the one ring of power had found its true bearer, Bilbo Baggins the hobbit.”
  19. Why isn’t Bilbo invisible?
  20. Um, goblins? Wargs? Eagles? Beorn?
  21. Mirkwood Forest is an obstacle that doesn’t slow them in the slightest?
  22. Elves?  Again, I guess not.
  23. So no Lake Town, either?
  24. Oh, so that’s why they changed the shape of the Arkenstone.  To make it an arrowhead for Bilbo Dragonslayer.  ARGH.
  25. “…his growing love for the Princess Meeka?”
  26. Bilbo and Meeka reigned over rebuilt Dale until they retired back to the Shire?  Seriously?

Just wow.

It turns out that this monstrosity was made by a single dude in a matter of weeks to preserve rights to The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, but I still can’t understand how this could have happened.  The hobbit is really not that complicated, so how do you get it this wrong?

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